Category Archives: Cake

Bizarre Poetry Gig #1


(There have been others – but this is the first that I’m documenting)


The Indoor Gig in a Bookshop

Oh lovely open mic audience
Do take a 15 min break

Relax, stretch your legs
Go to the café
Buy several deluxe Scotch Eggs
while Lindsey & Catherine perform
Musical numbers and poetry
People will need to quiche up in the interval
You are the interlude to their faces full of gourmet food
It’s an Indoor Gig

Our set tends to be dust & filth
The organiser knows that
She’s seen us both before
We manically giggle as we are left to our own devices
as somewhere far far away in the building
Everyone is on a loo break
forking with carrot cake slices.
We sing to skewiff chairs and cardigans
and lonely unthumbed books
about Tits and Jeremy Clarkson
We might well wee ourselves
during this bizarre configuration
Even our accompanied guest has disappearred
to join the cafe locustation
No one would ever notice, applause
or smell
Our pools of mirth
Sinking through the bookshop carpet to the silent earth
So we continue our set in a sort of hysteria disco disorder
Witcherly creating our gig dissatisfaction spell…..
That finally finished off Borders.
(as they went bust soon after our appearance in Oxford)



one lady did suddenly appear at the end and shout Bravo!!  We’re not entirely sure
if she was a figment of our imagination or what we did indeed conjure up….



Stale Cake



If you are to age discreetly

Tis always best to do it secretly

BIRTHDAY CAKE tends to vintage-er-size the skin.

That stodgy area betwixt the candles

Increases girth of the love handles

Elongating the wobbly place that swings under one’s chin.




Facebook has been without me for 40 days now.
Not sure if I’m doing well.
Time will tell.

(but what will it tell??)



Bless This Dough


Farewell Foregate Patisserie
With your legendary Chelsea buns of yum
I’ll miss my doughly allowance
Exiting the station to see my Mum

I’ll miss the Danish Pastries
tong delivered black sticky cherry
Yours is the dougnut, Mum’s got the eccles
and Dad’s got the Mary Berry Ultimate Cake of Envy

I’ll remember our Saturday Lunches
A large Cottage and a wholemeal tin
Cheese and allotment green grown tomato pickle
Let the table picnic begin

Treasure shrouded in white paper bags
Christo masterpieces every one
Cake juice from mine tends to seep and leak
Revealing the tasty cakel splendour I’ve won

BUT it’s not all doom and gloom
Greggs up the road will save the day
Tescos next door, a Costa approacheth
Hooray Hooray Hooray!!!

Found out yesterday that The Foregate Patisserie in Worcester has closed down. No longer will we argue on the pronunciation of Patisserie (even though we’ve ALWAYS known that I was always right 😉 ) Pa- tiss- er-reeeeee
Does anyone have the Chelsea Bun Recipe?



Words from the piggy

in the middle

with the figgy

and the plums.


Tis the mincemeat treat

The Lazy girl Cake

Stalked all in one

method acting

sponge contracting.


Every baking girl

deserves actual eggs

with viable seeds too.


Plant the egg and not the seed

Crack into earth and watch it bleed.

Sow and risk it

plant and whisk it

Was it a good lay?



life suddenly strayed

left you sat on splintered slatted bench

Gangrenous legs wrapped in clingfilm

pickled sarnie thermos stench.

Clucking for chicks


Here chicky chick chick

Here chicky chick


We’ve got the same tail feathers

You and me.


Lazy Girl Cake Recipe


8oz SF flour

5oz Sugar

5oz Butter

2 eggs

3oz dried fruit

Jar of Mincemeat

Mixy Mixy bung in oven at normal


Meet  flat thing.


Lazy Girl Cake

Oh Miss Many Bennet (the one after Mr Darncey)


Oh Miss Many Bennet
I must confess,
I take great pleasure in the way you brush you hair 
and the pregnancy of your dress.
Your teeth so very tolerable
if only they were borrowable
I’d shove them in my face and
suck my own dear perfect kiss…..
….It’s a wonder a gentleman can sleep at night
with your Aphrodite looks at the short of sight.
Embroidering at the pensively requited,
cocking your head- with a flirtation that has recently been emitted.
Secretly getting comfortable satisfaction from a well meaning Uncle.
Argghhh dear Cousin!!
Do tinkle on the piano forte forte
and part your mouth tunefully not naught-ally.
Sing a song about a lark – having one.
Deliver blow after blow with you floral arranging show
and drink many a cup of tease,
playing free verse and card games on suiters
getting them to do as you please.
Small chuckle
Weak strong weak strong weak strong weak strong weak strong
How -long– must- we -go –in -this –strange -man-ner
Drink-ing– our –tea -with- such -weak – mens -blad-ders
I’m tickled pink
by the way she sinks her self into ink
Her heart will always be trumps
Considering the grief of Heathcliff  and Miss Cathy Henshaw
(Yes tis the wrong fictitious era I know
But it is artistic license me dearies
I did learn that in a drama series)
I like to induce a throaty lump
with an eczema inducing tear
So I’ll continue to watch box sets in full
Till I’m ill again next year!! 
© Catherine Crosswell
A naughty fruity t-bag has burst. Every normal t-bag must now be shaken before it is stirred. 
My website might be ready soon. I managed to bring down the entire server yesterday by looking at it.
Shall I read this later?? Hmmmmmm