Garden Envy

Standard

 

I know what you are
You’re a Pergola Burglar
With a fetish for trellis and arbours
Worshiping the wooden structures
Praise be!
Yee Haa!
That have been you bought to you quite cheap from Argos
I’ll harbour your arbour
I’ll Yoda your pagoda (mmm move it I will)
I’ll trade in your trellis for a trick
I’ll plant a pontoon
with a knife fork and spoon
Coz frankly you are getting on my wick.

I’m gonna whack you with my wicker
Which ever end is thicker
hopefully stopping your ticker going tick
I’m ticked off with you tocker
I’m gonna knock your block well off-a
To stop you building with your stone throw and your sticks

The Garden Envy
The Garden Rage
This Garden has been brought to you by Plant and Paige
Ba na na na nawww
And shes ply-i-ing a stairway for his decking
Don’t you dare bamboo me
I’ll bamboo you back with your cane
Eat my features
You foliage creature
It is not I in this epic garden war who will wain.
My sprinklers on and armed
With a pest inducing syrup
I’m cultivating slugs and snails for you
I will pay someone by the hour
to blow on some dandy-lion flowers
And train my cat to lay a sympathetic poo.
Up you go Miss Virginia Creeper
Creep past Ivy and Clematis
And my Ms Honey Suckle
My fragrant flower truckle
Grow my beauties
Together we shall be wild
We SHALL be victorious
with our petals nestling in the nettles
No man shall ever mow
In our low maintenance mead-ows

I’m gonna whack you with my wicker
Which ever end is thicker
hopefully stopping your ticker going tick
I’m ticked off with you tocker
I’m gonna knock your block well off-a
But first:
Kettle on, cuppa tea, eat a Twix

 

 

This is the first ever poem I ever performed by myself at Swindon several years ago. I didn’t make it past the first round. It was my first experience of a Slam too. I followed someone who performed the most harrowing poem I have ever heard to this day. It felt so strange to stand there pretending to be Yoda after such an outpouring. It took me a while to pluck up the courage to enter one again.

It’s been sat around gathering computer dust – but here it is once more with a quick July 2014 rewrite.
This poem is very apt to how I’m feeling today.
The Word ‘Garden’ can be supplanted by pretty much anything.

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